Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Just when I get comfortable and think I know what to expect...things change. It's 80 and sunny one day, and the next it's snowing.
And all of that seems to be fitting in nicely with the rest of my life these days.
It's three years ago last month. I'm excited to get a job as a teacher at this great new school I've helped open. It's my dream job, and I can't believe it's happening, and I know it will be perfect. There are bumps along the road, but I'm pretty sure I'm in the right place doing what I'm meant to be doing. Then fast forward three years and suddenly I don't know anything at all and I wonder what I was thinking and why I've spent so much life energy on this job that's pulling me apart at the seams. Some days are sunny and warm. Music flows out of my students and I know I'm in the right place at the right time. Other days are like torrential rains. Limbs bending and whipping me across the face. Am I really so prone to dramatic shifts in mood? Is the sudden change something in me, or is it something bigger? Something I can't control at all, and the harder I try the more impossible it seems.
The one thing I know is that I have to listen and be open and ready for change. Because it is certain. The one thing I can count on.
So now the seasons are changing and with them I'm changing too. And the shift is not gentle or predictable. Each day brings a new surprise. Something unexpected. But in this shift is a certain peace. Peace in the knowledge that the change will settle and become whatever it is. At least for a little while. Some days I think I'm ready, and other days I'm a mess. But it's official. In five weeks I'll be re-defining myself once again. My life as teacher of other children in hibernation. My life as Mom and Wife in full bloom. I wonder what color I will be?